Doubt

Mark 9:24 contains a revelation that has forever impacted my faith: "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!"

I have had profound seasons of doubt in my spiritual walk. I have doubts about the uncritical theology learned during my childhood; but I also have doubts about the spiritless theology learned during my adulthood. I have doubts about the relevance of scriptural authority; but I also have doubts about the pervasive secularism of the contemporary church. I look at genocide and holocaust and famine and I doubt God's benevolence. I see war and death and torture and I doubt humanity's moral superiority. I picked an academic area of study - the relationship between slavery and religion - that created even more doubts in my mind about God's omnipotence.

When I would speak of my doubts to those in my church family, I would be chastised with clichés; the weight of these doubts was my fault. I did not love God enough; I did not read scripture enough; I did not have enough faith. There was no room in the church for a doubting Thomas, so I learned, as a child, to keep silent about my doubts. And even as my faith and my love of God and my scripture-reading increased, my doubts never vanished.

But it was the ninth chapter of Mark that freed me from this self-imposed silence. I now understand that doubt is actually a powerful component of faith. Doubt can lead us on a spiritual journey, to ask the questions that others fear to voice. Doubt motivates us to push past the clichés and seek genuine answers to our most pressing questions. Doubt requires us to be thinking, seeking, proactive agents of our spiritual lives.

When I cry out to God to "help my unbelief," I am acknowledging my lack of certainty. In that space of doubt and unbelief, I am honest about my lack of answers, my need for help, and my inability to figure it all out by myself. Where there is doubt, there is an opportunity for growth. Where there is doubt, there is opportunity for divine revelation.

I will continue to struggle with my doubts, even as my faith continues to grow. But I will no longer be silent about those places of unbelief in my life because God powerfully meets me where I am, doubts and all. I will continue to pray: "God, I believe with my whole heart, but in those places of doubt and unbelief, reveal yourself to me, again and again."